i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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