My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
