Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
