suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
