whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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