Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
