Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
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This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize