"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
