I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
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Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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