how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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