Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
