She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
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I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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