Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
