im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
