Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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