Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
