so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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