hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
