you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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