gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
