Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
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I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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