Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
