i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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