i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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