I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
