I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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