I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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