My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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