Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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