I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
