if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
