I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I pour the whiskey from now on
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
