i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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