he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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