my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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