the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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