is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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