I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
