If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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