Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I forget how to act sober
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
