Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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