Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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