the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You took a bar mat shot.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
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Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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