not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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