the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize