Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
