Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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