well you can't waste a boner
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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