I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
