he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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