im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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