The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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