That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
