she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
