Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
