flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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