Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize