somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
